Yard work. Boring and labor-intensive. However, if you’ve ever experienced mania, you may go outside and trim a tree to the point where the entire yard is filled with branches and then cut all of that up into small pieces and put it all out for pickup. It’s easily a two or three-person job but you did it all by yourself and were happy doing it and looking for the next task to tackle. That’s mania. At least it was for me at the time.
Mania can reveal itself in many ways. It can be spending sprees, poor investments, or business decisions (I mean, shit, I started this without regard for what current or future employers will think of me!), hyper-sexuality, disregard for the law, and, oddly enough, irritability. If you really want to geek out on mania there is a great paper from Brown University. Be warned though, it’s very heavy on the medical terms.
Three Types of Mania
The problem with mania is that it looks different to different people. The Brown University paper mentioned above discusses three types of mania – Hypomania, Acute Mania, and Delirious Mania.
Hypomania is marked by increased energy, an increase in self-confidence, happy, and often times very “likable”. It’s also associated with the need for less sleep and decreased appetite. Internally, thoughts may race and reach unreasonable ideas or conclusions. However, there are rare times when hypomania can increase irritability.
Acute Mania is a step further than hypomania. It presents with the symptoms of hypomania but is more extreme. With acute mania, the person has more grandiose thoughts and ideas. For example, thinking they are going to be appointed the next CEO of a Fortune 500 company. Thinking they are the second coming of Christ. There is the possibility of hallucinations or voices as well.
Delirious Mania is the next progression in symptoms of bipolar mania. Hallucinations and voices intensify. At this stage the person may not know who they are and trying to talk them down is useless. They are literally on a different level and unreachable.
To further muddy the water there is something called a Mixed Episode. This is where a person has characteristics of both mania and depression at the same time. Someone could have a sad expression or speak slowly but say they have never been happier. Imagine being depressed and not being able to sleep. Mixed episodes must suck…
My Crazy Story
My official diagnosis is bipolar II where my mania rarely develops into the more severe acute mania. However, there was a time when I decided to go off my medication. Things did not go well… I had one episode where I got in my car, turned off tracking on my phone so no one could find me and proceeded to drive around the neighborhood until I had the greatest idea I ever had. I was going to drive to LA. That’s it, no plan, no one to stay with, just go to LA. First, however, I had to get some provisions for the five-and-a-half-hour drive. So I stopped at a liquor store and bought a bottle of wine. Went back to my car and was about to leave when I was fortunately found by a friend and was taken to the hospital. Crazy shit, right? I share this because it shows that 1) bipolar clearly responds well to meds and 2) how easy it could be to get into trouble with pretty much everyone. I could have gotten into an accident, a DUI, I could have made it to LA and been reported as a missing person, my wife could have left me and I would literally lose everything – wife, house, and kids.
I like to look back and make light of the situation. Laughing helps to deal with the shame. I know there could have been serious ramifications and that part shame and guilt win over laughter for a good deal of the time. However, it is a crazy story. I don’t think it’s much worse (in story form that is) than some of the shit that goes on at a college party or, more specifically during pledge week for pledges.
Hell, some of it is worse. People have been arrested and charged with murder! There is also a book called “I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell” by Tucker Max that chronicles his insane antics while he was in college. It’s also a movie that came out in 2009 and it’s listed as a comedy! He did way worse shit than I ever did and he shares it unabashedly. I have to admit I read the book and found it hilarious. Maybe because it’s so outlandish and it makes my crazy seem tame relatively speaking.
It’s fortunate I was saved before anything of serious consequence happened. For that I’m incredibly thankful that I had a support system that stuck with me through that tough time. I got my meds right, therapy going again and regained control of my life. But I share this because maybe you found it funny, maybe my crazy makes yours feel a little less weird, or maybe you think I’m a complete asshole for what I did. In any case, it’s real. It now serves as a learning moment for me. I know the dangers that await should I decide to stop taking my medication.
Try not to focus on the guilt or shame that is associated with the memories of episodes where things may have gotten out of control. Know that people without bipolar also have moments in their life where they weren’t their best and have similar guilt and shame themselves. How many times have you heard people say you can’t change the past so focus on what you can control now and look forward? I know it’s cliched but there is truth to that. Be the best you now. That’s all that matters.