Masculinity
The word itself evokes feelings of power and dominance. I imagine a muscle-bound man who is fearless and immune to pain – physical or emotional. I’m sure everyone has their own impression of what that word means to them but I’m sure a majority of people would have some similar ideas about what masculinity is. Understanding what masculinity is, or at least how it’s defined or perceived, can help us break through the stigmas surrounding men and mental health.
What is Masculinity Anyway?
The definition of what masculinity is, at least in the academic sense, hard to pin down. It seems it’s dependent upon which context you view masculinity – economic, social, feminist and others. However, one theory that has stood the test of time is Hegemonic Masculinity. Originally developed in the 1980’s, it posits there is a Hierarchy of Masculinities among men. The article is very formal, so I’ve used movies to explain each one – it’s more relatable.
- Hegemonic –Leonardo DiCaprio as the Wolf of Wall Street. Uses power to control and get anything he wants without regard for others.
- Complicit – Keanu Reeves in the Devil’s Advocate – climbing the ranks to get to the top, but never does. Uses his masculinity to assert power/control over his wife.
- Marginalized – Will Smith in The Pursuit of Happiness (in the beginning at least). Not only is he unemployed but he is also a homeless, and an African American single father.
- Subordinate – Milton and his red stapler from Office Space. He is literally moved to the basement, fired, and yet continues to show up. Seen as weak and unimportant.
- Reformed (Protest) – Denzel Washington in The Equalizer. He’s tough, righteous, and caring – maybe too much…
Manliness and Meet the Fockers
Think about how Ben Stiller’s character Greg Focker, a male nurse, was perceived in Meet the Fockers. He was widely mocked for choosing an to be an RN vs an MD. Robert De Niro as Jack Byrnes is a perfect example of the Hegemonic male. He makes decisions for the family without taking input from others, exerts power over his daughters and shows disdain for Ben Stiller. Stiller remains a caring person who sticks to his values despite the circumstances is an example of Reformed masculinity.
While it’s easy to laugh at those types of portrayals in movies, in real life such contempt for anything considered weak, effeminate or not part of traditional activities associated with manhood can have a real impact on men’s mental health and it could be toxic.
Toxic Masculinity
Toxic Masculinity evolved from the understanding of the Hegemonic theory. It emphasizes the unwritten code men follow to be “manly”. Verywellmind has a great article on what Toxic Masculinity is. Saying it has 3 core components:
- Toughness – The notion that men should be physically strong, emotionally callous and behaviorally aggressive.
- Antifeminity – The idea that men should reject anything that is considered to be feminine, such as showing emotion or accepting help.
- Power – The assumption that men must work toward obtaining power and status to gain the respect of others.
Clearly this is an obstacle for men who need help for a mental issue/disorder. The stigma of weakness that is associated with mental health keeps them from seeking help. They often turn to alcohol or drugs to self-medicate, or worse suicide.
Get Help!
It sounds so easy. It’s not. All through high school I always felt like I was a fake. Always putting on a smile, was easy going and got along with everyone. After parties or events I would just bitch to my friend (the only one I would ever talk to about how I really felt) about how annoying some people were, how they were stupid, why couldn’t they understand how I really felt. I projected my insecurities on others. I was a man. It wasn’t my fault. I was stoic. Nothing bothered me, at least that’s what I showed to everyone else.
That disconnect between how I really felt and what I showed others, was the source of a lot of anxiety. But I thought that’s just what you had to do. As I went through college, I transferred from a small school in my hometown in the Midwest to a large university in California. Part of the reason was because I could become invisible. I could dissolve in the large population. I could be on my own and not have to worry about pleasing anyone else.
But you can’t escape it. It follows you and it manifests itself in different ways. For me it was drinking. I started drinking more and more and at one point it nearly cost me a job. I had friends who enabled it. That was kind of by my design. If they didn’t care, then I didn’t and I could still be invisible and with people at the same time.
The point is, if you ignore what you know in your gut – that there is something wrong, or at least worth discussing to learn more about why you feel that way. Screw “manliness”. Manliness will get you nowhere or even killed. There are app-based therapy options that make it easy to access help in the privacy of your home. Betterhelp and Talkspace are excellent resources.
Just imagine if you had cancer and you didn’t tell anyone because you’re a “man”. Trying to fight it on your own is impossible without the intervention of medical help and support from loved ones. Your mental heath is just as important as your physical health. So get over yourself, get over your “manhood” and get help.